03 7 / 2013

16 6 / 2013

I’m so happy for my friends. The ones that made something of themselves and the ones that are just starting to make something of themselves.

There are a few that went a faster track, and others that went traditional. I see my graduating class finishing their four years of college, and I am so thrilled for them. Nursing, political science, teaching, marketing.

These people have always been destined for greatness.

And so am I.

14 5 / 2013

Secret from PostSecret.com

And it scares me.

Secret from PostSecret.com

And it scares me.

09 5 / 2013

There isn’t anything that seems out of the ordinary. The skies are light blue. The clouds are crisp and white.

But they are different today. There is a crispness about them maybe, or a length to them.
It feels like they’ll go on forever… Never ending.

They remind me of Huntington. Standing on the pier under the majestic sky.

These clouds aren’t majestic, and you’re not by my side. But it still brings me back.

I miss that night.

02 5 / 2013

The sight of an airplane taking off or coming in to land now stings.

It brings me back to those memories of take offs and landings, on my way to sunny California.  To see you.

I miss you.

28 4 / 2013

So for a while now… a good, long while now, you’re all I’ve wanted to complement my life.  To step up and be a father to my daughter, to be the man in my life.

We’ve talked so much about our future, and things are estranged right now.

But you’re the one.  

I just finished watching What to Expect When You’re Expecting… let me tell you what… I didn’t realize what kind of baby fever I really had.. but this movie put it into perspective.  And come to think of it, if my board on Pinterest titled “Kasper Drew” was not set to private, and you had seen it, you’d know that I’m head over heels, batshit crazy about you and want to be with you.  I want to bring that Kasper Drew into this world and I want to be her Mommy and I want you to be her Daddy.  And I want us to all be a family.  The four of us. You, Elliot, Kasper and myself.

I’ll make it right.  I’ll make this happen. I know that you want me to complement your life too.

26 4 / 2013

Karma. You sneaky bitch.

Rude.

After a night of drinking in my own home, and going to bed at 5:30 am… I just don’t like my child getting up at 6:04 am to yack all over my bed! Omg!

26 4 / 2013

Drinking? Yes.

Blogging about you?  Why the fuck not?

Don’t let your heavy heart drag you down.

I fucked up.  And you are confusing the fucking daylights out of me.

You are giving me fucking whiplash with your moods and tones.  

Like, it seems like you want to put this behind us and move forward.. with me, not without me.

Maybe I’m just too hopeful? Maybe I’m reading the signs all wrong?

I don’t know.  And quite frankly, I’m too scared to ask.  Because I’m afraid of what you might say.

I’m on the edge of my seat, We crane our necks to get a glimpse.

I nurse defeat.  Or something. I’m not sure.

I’m not ready for this to be it.  I’ve invested so much of my heart and soul into this.  I can’t let go of you.

"Distance leads to frustration. Frustration leads to fighting. Fighting leads to break ups. It’s the inevitable cycle of long distance relationships."

I don’t want to be part of that inevitable cycle of long distance relationships.  

I never wanted a long distance relationship.  I wanted a life, with you, with me.  I don’t like the space between us.  I never have.

I hated it when you married her.  And when you moved to the other side of the country, and when you that other crazy one.  

It sounds shitty, like I’m shifting the blame… but had you been here, that never would have happened.  And I’m not shifting the blame at all.  It was all me, all my lack of judgement.  My loneliness.  My missing you.  

Shameful.  I know.  Don’t think that I am impressed with myself in any way, shape, or form.  Because fuck, I’ve never been more disappointed in myself..

If all was well, and your heart could find the words…

I think you’d tell me how disappointed you are.  I think you’d tell me that this isn’t what you want to be the end.

I think you’re putting on a front.  I think you’re hurt.  I know you’re hurt.  But I think you feel like you’ve invested so much into this too.  And I think you know how I truly feel.  I think you know you’re my missing piece.

Or maybe you’re just getting a good laugh.  Maybe it makes you smile to see me try and fix my fuck up, while you know.  You know that you’re done.  Who knows?  Not me.  

I’m hoping that’s not it though.

I truly believe that you want this still.  I know it is going to take a lot from me.  I have a lot of sewing to do, after all that reaping.  

Let me make it right.

Let me be the one that washes your back.  Let me be the one that massages your hands and feet.  Let me be the one to whisper “I love you” in your ear.  I’m the one that means it.  Always have been.

You’ve painted my entire world.

25 4 / 2013

Much better.. I think!

Much better.. I think!

24 4 / 2013

illuminatethenotes:

This is me!

Haha, holy fuck.  80 pounds ago.

illuminatethenotes:

This is me!

Haha, holy fuck.  80 pounds ago.

21 4 / 2013

15 4 / 2013

I can feel my heart shattering. I can tell you that my soul is crushed. My spirit is broken.

13 4 / 2013

I experienced my first panic attack today.

Can’t say I enjoyed that much.

11 4 / 2013

I just need him to know that he has the best of me. The most important part.

I made a mistake.
I fucked up.
I just want him to know that what we have is real. That was the real me… That IS the real me.
Holding hands on the pier, watching movies in each others arms, sitting by the river, hiking around giant springs and massacre. Just being around you makes me a happier person. You make me feel complete.

I hate that I’ve created this mess. I hate that I’ve put doubt in his heart. I hate that my lack of judgement has put one of the most important aspects of my life in jeopardy.

I’m sure you hate me. But you can’t possibly hate me as much as I do right now.

I just want to start over. You are my best friend. I failed you.

I just want to go back.

07 4 / 2013

I hate it.
I hate that you were right.
I hate that I can’t even tell you.
I hate that I want to hear your voice so fucking bad.
I hate that I can’t.